photo credit: bradleygee

A new media driven imaginary epidemic known as “whine flu” is threatening to sweep the world leaving behind a deadly trail of tissues, sick days and sniffles. Those most like to contract Whine Flu are people who believe everything they read in the paper or see on TV. “You know, those people who are little sissy, whiny bitches, they complain about the slightest little thing and go to the doctor because they think they might be blinking funny. That’s the at risk group here”. A reporter told RAD-ish at a frantic press conference held today in Brussels.

Age wise it seems to mostly effect people between the ages of 8-80, although it is believed it can strike earlier than that if those infected have parents particularly prone to paranoia or smothering.

The English government has suggested that people with flu-like symptoms should see their G.P. immediately. G.P’s have suggested you stay the hell away, stop being such paranoid sissies and get on with your lives.

Rad-ish spoke to Dr Raj Patel a GP from Coventry, who when asked if he had seen an increase in the number of patients visiting his clinic said “Yeah it was crazy in here yesterday, the queue was stretching round the block, we had hundreds of people who’d watched the reports on the news and since developed symptoms.”

What % of them had whine flu? “Oh every single one - 100% had it.” What did you recommend for them to do? I asked them politely at first, to stop being little whiny bitches - that didn’t work. So I told them firmly to get the hell out of my clinic as I had real doctors work to do.”

Governments are scrambling to stockpile reserves of Chicken Broth and Vitamin C tablets for those infected. While Blockbusters expecting a surge in demand for feel good TV and movies from people having sick days from work, have ordered in extra copies of movies in which dogs save people and Friends boxsets, especially the early seasons which tend to be more popular.

Nora Stokes who contracted the disease after prolonged exposure to BBCs News 24 coverage,  described to RAD-ish what it was like to have the disease
“It was terrible, I watched the BBC news 24 coverage of whine flu for a few hours, then the symptoms hit me like a wave, no something bigger than a wave, a tsunami! I found I had to cough. It was the sniffles that knocked me down at first, I went to bed tried to get some sleep but then I kept coughing, and having to blow my nose. I reckon it took me at least 15mins longer to get to sleep than normal. I thought I was going to die, literally die in my bed it was one of the worst nights of my life. “ The interview was cut short at this point after Nora broke into a coughing fit lasting several seconds.

A representative from the World Health Organization had this advice for sufferers, “If you have any flu like symptoms, such as coughing, sneezing, paranoia, gullibility or a thirst only curable by warm lemon drinks, for gods sake - STAY AT HOME! Isolate yourself, for the safety of your country.”

Several cases have been reported in New York, with Bloomberg today stressing that the New York cases were imaginary and many are recovering, but said that family members of those infected had also reported whine flu symptoms, “suggesting it is spreading person to person.” One little wimp talks to another about the illness and WHAM, a few hours later its spread and they’re also reporting symptoms”. Talk of a movie starring Will Smith and a dog, fighting to find the last lemon throat lozenge in NYC have been called “very premature”. Although Will has been said to be interested “if the money great, and the stories stupid, its a yes from big Will”.

Concerned you may have whine flu? RAD-ish has compiled this list of questions:

1. Do you have a natural tendency to over-react and/or are you prone to bouts of hypochondria?
2. Do your eyes water when you cut onions?
3. Do you believe the moon landings were fake?
4. Do you think people on the bus look at you funny?

Answer yes to any of these and there is a strong chance you have the Whine flu. We suggest you get a grip or alternatively turn on your oven, open the door, insert your head, close the door.

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