The rate of disc jockeys correctly executing the technique of scratching has reached an all-time high. ‚Never before in the history of damaged eardrums have we heard so much good scratching’, says Ron Liberman of People Actually Listening to Music of America PALMA. ‚We can say with confidence that today, one in 5000 DJs doing it does it right.’ The sudden rise in DJ competence may have to do with a recent HBO airing of the documentaries Wildstyle, Style Wars and Scratch. ‚We believe aspiring scratchers watching the true masters of their art on television simply lost faith in their non-existing talents. As a result, they decided to quit it for good. So the percentage of proficient scratch DJs could skyrocket to its current level.’
Listeners wordlwide express relief about this latest development. Howie Herschel, owner of a set of ears and an accompanying auditory sytem including temporal lobes, admits to being overjoyed: ‚For me, nothing beats a good scratch DJ performing. He sets my spine tingling, adrenaline flowing and I have a general feeling of embarking on a no questions asked time-machine trip. Really, when Q-Bert tears it apart with a crab scratch, I am thoroughly enjoying myself. Add some 1930s Sci-Fi samples, juggled drum breaks and other cerebral jamboree, and the best DJ s should really be given a magician’s diploma. But most DJs just can not scratch. They do it in a wrong way. Trying to impress listeners these amateurs indulge in the most mind-murdering sound collisions thought of by them as scratching. They should stop that.’ ‚Transform’ the ghost of Grandwizard Theodore added.

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