Pentagon confirms US Airways plane crash was the result of Al Qaeda pigeons
Original Image credit: Luis Yanez
The Pentagon today confirmed that the US Airways plane which was yesterday forced to emergency land in the Hudson river was the victim of the latest weapon in the “war on terror” – Al Qaeda Insurgent Pigeons.
“We have credible intel that this was a planned terrorist attack right here in US airspace, a direct challenge to our (did I mention superior?) way of life” Quentin Williams a Pentagon spokesperson said. “We have reason to believe Al Qaeda have been training pigeons to operate as suicide bombers for some time” he added.
An eyewitness has reported the flock of suicide bombers was heard chanting “coup, coup” just prior to the attack. It’s believed that Pigeons make the perfect jihadists, as they rarely answer back and they’ll do anything for half a sandwich. Information ascertained from Al Qaeda training documents suggest a deal was brokered to offer every Al Qaeda pigeon who martyrs himself 47 statues and exclusive scrounging rights outside a busy fish and chips in the after life.
In response the Government has raised the threat level up a notch from “close the borders” to “retreat to the nuke shelter, the sky is falling”. “At this time we are advising everybody to stay in their homes. If you do venture out, be on the look out for any birds acting suspiciously. Pay close attention for signs of excess facial hair, frequency of prayer and unwillingness to accept Christ as they’re savior, all plausible precursors to Pigeon martyrdom.” said Kim Welsh of US Homelands Security at a Press Conference held earlier today.
When the TIA (Transport Inefficiency Administration) were asked how they would use this act of terrorism to further delay and infuriate airport visitors they said they “…weren’t sure yet, but they’d think of something. Things will have to change, there’s a whole new threat out there now and the only logical answer to that is - queues, more queues and more checks.”
Unsure pigeons would fly any higher than would allow them to successfully poop on cars, Rad-ish conducted its own research about the credibility of bird terrorism by asking those bastions of wisdom –Yahoo Answers
Results so far - inconclusive. In the meantime we’ll recommend avoiding public places, especially those with statues and monuments.
