A visibly upset Mr Reeves at todays press conference

Today the esteemed ‘actor’ Keanu Reeves held a press conference to announce his retirement from ‘acting’. “It is with great sadness that I am announcing the end of my acting career.”

Much loved for his ‘performances’ in movies such as The Matrix….The Matrix 2 and, um….the Matrix 3 or oh dear god no, what is this shit as it’s more popularly known.

“While I may have made it look easy, portraying such a wide array of lumbering floppy haired geeky white guys, its actually been very emotionally draining for me. Sure, I’ve not troubled the viewer by displaying those complex emotions but inside it was really a rollercoaster for me.

I’d also like to take this opportunity to apologize for Constantine, I realize now, upon reflection it is about as entertaining as the holocaust.

“What’s next? Well, I’ve decided to do something that better suits my skills, something where I can make the most of my unique personality. I’ve decided to branch out from acting and become a coffee table. I want to put down roots and I think this was what I was born to do” he added.

Must loved for his trademark expression, a blend of constipation and utter disbelief he’ll leave behind an army of adoring fans such as John Mckenna who had this to say “Keanu, you’ll forever be in my debt. It had been a long time since I’d been with a woman, but then I went to the cinema to see the Lakehouse and oh boy, I slept with the whole audience!”

When asked what he felt his best acting performance was, he hesitated before saying “The cornflakes ad. That was an epic part. He was a complex character and I trained hard for that role so I could bring him to life. I’ll let you in on a little secret, I don’t even like Cornflakes! I know, looking at me in that role its impossible to believe but honestly, I have no love for them, I’m a weetabix man!”

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