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Fed up with managing the universe, God yesterday announced plans to ultimately move into microcosm. Thus, a spokesperson from the vatican claimed, he could reduce his carbon footprint by close to 100%. The decision comes as a surprise to intelligent large-scale life everywhere, as it is feared macrocosmic environments might be randomized at best, cut off from power, or even completely exterminated at worst. Read the rest of this entry »

Anti-Americanist feelings may be closely related to the superpower’s Anti-Worldist policies, thoughts suggest. Read the rest of this entry »

Reality yesterday expressed dissatisfaction at being compared to films all the time. At a press conference in Cannes, it accused human beings of continually over-estimating reality surrogates including pictures, motion pictures, animations and the internet. ‚People say stuff like „Jesus, this reminds me of a film I saw the other day“, others praise an image as being „true to life“. Now who are those dopes to judge if anything approximates me, let alone the other way round? I bet they even hope I would conform to some third-rate movie, providing happy endings, avenging angels and photoshopped models to knock on their door. Read the rest of this entry »

The rate of disc jockeys correctly executing the technique of scratching has reached an all-time high. ‚Never before in the history of damaged eardrums have we heard so much good scratching’, says Ron Liberman of People Actually Listening to Music of America PALMA. Read the rest of this entry »

Germany has decided to improve on its devastating international image after a recent study has confirmed no one likes it. Germancorp CEO Angela Merkel announced yesterday that ‚in order for Germany to rejoin the VIP Club of cultured rich nations professional support is imperative’. Spin Doctors worldwide can pitch for the job now.

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You know a funny thing happened to me the other day. I died. At first, it didn’t really disturb me. I went a little pale all right, what with the pallor mortis due to the blood stopping to flow. But considering my life juice had done me good service a full 33 years, it might very well take time off from circulating, mightn’t it? Read the rest of this entry »

Web 2.0 entrepreneurs Russell Self and Emilia Izquierdo have created a website allowing users to share pets. At pooless.com, registered participants can enter customized profiles of their domestic animals of any species. Other users may then signal their interest and arrange for a variety of sharing options. Says Izquierdo ‚Just think of how many German shepherds lie to rot in their owners’ basements just because they are not needed anymore. A shame, really, but why abandon the animal altogether? Pooless allows you to find someone who likes your dog more than you do and takes pleasure in caring for him every now and then. The same may be true of your kids’ cichlidae or your partner’s painted turtles. Saves you some on food expenses and Paw and Claw Taxes too!’
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Billions of Skype users were confused over the last few days why this god damn app didn’t work. Some friendships fell off, other people re-socialized and some stupid company went into bankruptcy because of an intelligent single-point-of-failure strategy.

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Many inventions shape our day-to-day life, including electric fans, pop top beer cans and proton accelerators. But could any one of them possibly touch the magical, butt-kicking World Wide Wooziness that is the Internet? Do you hear? Man, I repeat, The I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T, it is there, finally it has arrived, so wake up!! Billions of years of idly waiting for the sluggish evolution of geosphere and biosphere and all that filthy nature stuff are over. Here we are, retrogradely and ultimately propelled into the one and only nöosphere, the fairy realm of consciousness united, where the milk and honey of free information, pure ideas, and thoughts untainted by matter flow, and the phishing grounds are ever so plentiful!!! Read the rest of this entry »

Citing hangover-clarity, recent bride announces anger at family, in-laws and guests. “If I had known they would so brazenly pile through the buffet and alcohol, I would have spent less money and effort on making sure it looked good and tasted good. You could’ve served these people cold toast and stale beer”.

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